Wednesday, October 25, 2017

new car!

I drive for Lyft and right now that's my only job. I unfortunately got in a car accident last year though and my car was totaled, but nobody was hurt and blah blah blah. Having my car totaled kind of sucked really hard though because it was my job.

BUT, Lyft has this cool program where you can rent a car through them and Hertz and use it to do Lyft. They give you a quota of 85 rides a week, (which seems to keep going up but whatevs) and if you meet that quota they reimburse you for $130 of the cost of the rental car for that week. The rental is $200 and week so meeting the quota and only having to pay $70 instead of the whole amount is a big difference. On top of having to do 85 rides, 30 of those rides have to be during what they call peak hours which is commute times on weekdays in the mornings and early evenings and most of saturday and late friday nights. So for at least part of your week you kind of have a schedule. 85 rides a week isn't too bad, it generally works out to be a 32 hour week but that can fluctuate a lot. What sucks though is if you want to go on vacation or are sick or something because if you do even one ride less than 85 they deduct $200 from whatever you've made that week or they charge you that amount and take it from your bank account. So basically if they provide a car for you through the rental program it's kind of like that car is your boss. I was doing this program for quite some time and failed a lot at meeting the quota but eventually was disciplined enough to be doing what I need to do.

My mom knew about the structure of the rental thing I was doing and eventually felt bad enough for me that she offered to help me get a car. My credit is not good right now so I couldn't get approved for a car loan so what she did is she actually paid for a car that I had shopped around for online and that we went to check out together.

So now I'm doing Lyft and since I own the car there is no longer a quota I need to meet AND when you use your own car to do Lyft your eligible for Express Pay which is when if you earn at least $50 you can cash out from in the app and have that money deposited into your bank account that same day. So I can literally pay myself everyday if I want to. It just feels good to know I have that option available to me.

My new car is a 2011 Ford Fiesta. A dinky thing but hey that means good gas mileage and it's easy to drive around in San Francisco because it fits everywhere. It's a cute magenta-ish color and I love it!

My mom is so nice for helping me like this! It was something she just offered to do for me that I didn't even ask her for. It means a lot to me. It makes my whole life less stressful! Very thankful to have a mom who helps me whenever she can <3 I did some Lyft driving today in it and I love it! Life is good life is good life is good!

infinite beings of love

"Instead of suing people, you work with them. And then the end result of that, is the entire planet wakes up, we experience what's called the singularity, everybody gets dissolved by nanobots and we travel through the universe as infinite beings of love."

- Duncan Trussell
- from Season 3 Episode 11 of Drunk History

I like the cut of this guy's jib.

This video is sideways but you'll be ok.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Some kind of normalcy

August was a horrible month. Absolutely horrible. September didn't start off too well, the first week was rough. But yesterday was lovely, and today is going to be lovely too.

I knew that my relationship with Jesse would face turbulence and that there would be drama but neither of us thought things would play out the way they did last month. I freaked out a lot. I was right to be upset over how things went but even I felt like my reactions were just too much. But I had no control. I tried to hold it together but some days I just couldn't. I cried a lot. There were a lot of arguments. Sometimes it was hard for me to breathe or just get through my day doing the things I needed to do to take care of myself. But maybe I needed to go through it. I just needed to push through it and trust that I would stabilize at some point. And I feel like maybe now that that's exactly what's happening.

It was all just too much too soon. But she moved out. And all of my anxiety sort of fell out of me onto the floor and just sank and disappeared. I still don't feel good about the way things happened. But throughout this all I knew that if Jesse and I worked together that this would be something that we could not only get past but also something that could help us both grow.

I talked to my sister in sort of vague terms about what I was going through not wanting her to be privy to the details but still really needing someone to talk to. And she really helped. I forget that she's a therapist and then she really will break things down and tell me about myself. It was stuff that I don't like about myself but I needed to hear it. I see things through the lense of the experiences I've lived through. My parent's divorce affected my entire worldview and has irrevocably set the tone for how I approach my relationships.

I'll never be ok with lying. But I need to learn to be less aggressive and be more understanding and compassionate. If I want the truth I have to do all that I can to advertise to others that I can handle it and treat them kindly when they give me what I ask for. That can be challenging but the truth is all I want and nothing less so I must rise to the occasion. I can and will do this.

Jesse has helped me reach a level of happiness I didn't even think was possible. When I think about my future I automatically see him as an integral part of it. I don't need him. I don't. But I want him more than I've ever wanted anyone. I want to have him be there with me throughout life enjoying it with me and I want to be there for him too. I want to do things together with him always. As long as we both want to make this work there's no doubt in my mind that we can. We can do anything we set our minds to.

Relationships take work. The more you want a person to be a part of your life the more work you will have to do to make it so. Even with me knowing this I feel like it will always be something I will be actively learning about and will have to work on a certain level to apply to my life. It's a project that will never be finished. There will always be growth, and it will be beautiful.

Living alone is so important to me. Having my own space, basking in the silence, having control, knowing that I am completely alone, makes me feel so free. I love people, I love being around people, everything about being with people makes me happy. But I am kind of strange and sometimes I need the freedom of being alone to really express that. Like a workroom where I can tune myself up and make myself better so I can be truly ready to share myself with others and offer them the best version of myself.

I fantasize about living with Jesse. But right now, I live alone. And it's the best. I am thankful every moment of every day for this privilege.

I feel like myself again. I feel hyper and excited like I usually am again. I feel like I can accomplish tasks that used to just intimidate me before I even started them. I don't feel so scared. Because I know at any point I can go home and recharge. And that is so valuable. I have my sanctuary back and that means everything to me. Absolute freedom.

I reorganized the living room. I vacuumed. I moved things around. I labeled the switches for the lights. I play my own music. I talked to myself out loud. I also sat in the quiet. It rained yesterday because I wanted it to. The day before yesterday I said I wanted it to rain. The next day it did. I put in my contact lenses and went outside and stood in the rain. I felt it on my skin. There was a lot of lightning but I heard almost no thunder. It continued through the night. I sat in my living room and enjoyed the quiet knowing that no one would intrude on my peace. And that made it seem that much more serene.

I can breathe again. The amount of stress and sadness I had felt for almost a month was hurting me physically. I felt like I was reaching my breaking point. I just couldn't take much more. And now it's over. I am reaching a point in my life where I really understand how important it is to be alone sometimes. Even if you don't have a problem with a person that doesn't mean you can handle having them in your face all the time. Being away from people can help you appreciate and even like them more. I don't want anyone all the time except for myself. I'm the only person I want to be with all of the time 24/7.

Things can never be the way they were before this all happened. They can be better. We're through the woods. The only way to get past all the ugliness was to go through it. And I'm stronger and more wise for the experience. Hopefully he is too. I feel like he definitely is.

We love each other but more importantly, I love myself. I will always have me. And as long as he wants me and I want him, we can always have each other. It's up to us. And that feels good.

Today I did some driving for Lyft, now I'm in Starbucks just typing away, then I'm gonna hit the gym, then I'm gonna play with Angela's dog nugget, I may do some more Lyft later on, and I'm definitely going to make some art at home tonight. Everything is more than wonderful. I am giving off the right kind of energy right now and people are responding. I am comfortable talking to strangers again and am trying to make friends and really connect with people. I may not know what the future will bring but I'm back to my optimistic self and I trust myself to do my best to make it beautiful. It's all within me. I am truly happy.

Monday, June 26, 2017

EDC 2017

I recently went to EDC for the first time in Vegas with my boyfriend. It ran from June 16th to the 18th, three days all together. I've never been to a rave before and I loved it. The music was fun to dance to, people were dressed up in rave gear, people gave me kandi even though I told them they don't have to and I didn't have anything to give them in return, and the vibe was incredible. It felt so good to be surrounded by friendly people who just want to have fun. It's like all the awkwardness of approaching people and all the weird social rules that create distance between strangers just didn't exist anymore. You could go up to anybody and talk to them and a lot of people were even ok with being touched. And it wasn't sexual, even if you did think the other person was sexy. It was more of a curious kind of affection. Like the other person being there in the moment with you fascinated you and you just wanted to explore them. Coming back home was hard. Back to work, back to feeling like there are all these boundaries between me and becoming friends with the people around me. It's like an EDC you could let go and just be naive about whether or not people would accept you because in that controlled social setting everyone had the same goal, just to enjoy themselves, and had similar interests. So there was no fear, no apprehensiveness, no posturing, just this desire to connect.

I'm getting kind of emotional actually just thinking about how much I miss it... but I definitely want to go next year and so does my boyfriend and so do some of my friends. So we're going. I'm going to try to go every single year until I can't take it anymore. Maybe going to raves will become a part of my life now.

And it was beautiful. There were rainbows of neon lights and the most spectacular fireworks shows that I've ever seen and there was even actual fire! Pyrotechnics! And people were all dancing and so happy and I'd be dancing and look over at my friends dancing then look at my boyfriend dancing and just feel so happy and because it was of course very loud because of the music there wasn't really much talking that could be done but my boyfriend would just mouth the words, "I love you" to me and I was so happy I could just float away.

Back home now of course my friends are still my friends and I connected with some people I met via social media and I can look forward to next year and my boyfriend is here and still loves me but the atmosphere there was so unique. Everyone was your friend. Everything felt good. For 3 days all that mattered was that I was having fun surrounded by nice people. I actually lost a noticeable amount of weight from dancing and so did my boyfriend. And during the day we enjoyed seeing shows and going out to eat and going to fun places in Vegas. One day I just spent hours  at the hotel pool and now I have a really nice tan that almost makes me sad when I notice it when I change clothes because I miss it there so much.

Three days is enough though of partying to that extreme. Anymore and I might have just collapsed. But the feeling of being in a beautiful wonderland surrounded by all those friendly faces. I need to find a way to recreate that at home. Or maybe find a new home.

I understand now that money is best spent on making memories with people you care about and not on just amassing possessions.

I'm grateful that life lead me there and that I got to experience it. I am almost mad at myself for having never gone to EDC before but what made it extra special is that I was there with my boyfriend who I just barely met in November 2016 and my friends and his friends were there and we got to do it all together.

PLUR - Peace, Love, Unity, Respect
Mushy hippie stuff for raves but real values to live by. Until next year EDC, I love you. I'll do all that I can to maintain the warm and fuzzy feelings you gave me and to spread Peace, Love, Unity and Respect in my average every day life <3

Day One Costumes
Day Two Costumes
Day Three Costumes
A couple group shots

A post shared by Samantha Yo (@likeabun) on
The cosmic meadow where I met so many nice people
Kandi given to me by generous strangers even though I insisted they not feel obligated to give me anything at all
Riding the Gondola in The Venetian with the love of my life
A post shared by Samantha Yo (@likeabun) on
Our hotel

Monday, April 3, 2017

How To Be a Person in The World

Excerpts from How To Be a Person in The World by Heather Havrilesky

"But people are flawed, the end! You can't be a people without being flawed. Pretending otherwise and looking for perfection in others is a path of self-hatred and delusion and mutual lifelong bullshitting." - page 197

"Life is not about knowing. Life is about feeling your way through the dark. If you say, "This should be lighter by now," you're shutting yourself off from your own happiness. So let there be darkness. Get down on your knees, and crawl through the dark. Crawl and say to yourself, "Holy GOD, it's dark, but just look at me crawl! I can crawl like a motherfucker." - page 208

Reading Tarot Cards

One of my best friends in life, Jamie, did a tarot card reading for me today on my past, present and future. It was super relatable and really made me think. Basically in my past I was stuck and being held back by someone who wasn't really there for me. My present is a place where some hesitation might benefit me. There is suspension and an emphasis on letting go. My future is full of growth but also competition where I'll have to continually prove myself and rise to challenges. I really like the order those readings came in because I feel like it shows progress and like things are moving in the right direction and that I'm really getting to know myself and be more powerful. I'm ready :)

Here are the links she used to look-up the meanings of the cards:
Here are the Tarot Cards I decided to buy for myself:

Thursday, March 23, 2017

How to be a person in the world

Excerpts from How To Be a Person in The World by Heather Havrilesky

You're so good at being GOOD. But how good are you at being YOU?
page 138

A lot of women out there are afraid of being something.
page 139

The lack of spark within you comes from the conflict between WHO YOU TRY TO BE and WHAT YOU REALLY WANT FOR YOURSELF. You want more. You act like you don't want more, you act like you're satisfied, but in fact you want a lot more.
page 141

Monday, March 20, 2017

How to be a Person in The World

Excerpts from How To Be a Person in The World by Heather Havrilesky

Being nice is worthless if you're just going to feel resentful about it in the end. You might as well just be outspoken and state your needs from the outset. Because as much as people resent assertive women, they resent disingenuous, overly friendly, secretly furious women even more.

- page 83

So don't walk around telling these stories about how "one thing led to another" anymore. No one wants to hear your self-created, self perpetuated, narratives.

- page 96

You think he digs you because you're extra-sexy? He digs you because you're pretending. He digs you because you're drawn in by his bullshit. He digs you because you're just like him: strong on the outside, weak and needy on the inside.

- page 98

Thursday, March 2, 2017

How to be a person in the world

Excerpts from How To Be a Person in The World by Heather Havrilesky

"The world has told you lies about how small you are." - page 17

"Sadly, becoming an adult often requires learning to negotiate with devils." - page 21

"Being an idealist is worthless unless you have a strategy for sustaining yourself and aiming for a more conscientious way of living." - page 21

"Groups can't fulfill your every need. Your spouse can't single handedly bring you happiness. Your best female friend can't save you from being alone. Your group of college friends won't feel perfectly right for you when you're in a certain mood. There will always be discrepancies between you and your friends where priorities and lifestyle are concerned. So don't let it prevent you from forging new connections." - page 22

"Your taste for reductive dichotomies, along with your outsized reactions to other people's perceptions of you, may not always serve you..." - page 27

"So many people are allergic to confessional, outspoken women. And let's face it, we're not always serving the common good. We're neurotic motherfuckers with way too much on our minds at all times." - page 29

"Your first priority should be to keep an open mind, to listen, to observe men with a clear, uncluttered perspective. Your second priority should be to never, ever waste a minute of your time on a guy who's tepid." - page 48

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Why We Love

"Because possessiveness is so common in nature, animal behaviorists have given it a name: mate guarding. They regard this taste for sexual exclusivity as a primary aspect of courtship in many species." - 46

"norepinephrine is even linked with a specific mammalian courting pose: lordosis--the female habit of crouching, arching her back, and tipping up her buttocks toward her suitor to advertise sexual availability." - 48

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Why We Love

Started reading Why We Love. I'm barely into the introduction and I can already tell I'm going to love it. I have set a goal for myself to read at least 12 books this year, one a month. And I'm not counting comic books or anything super short. I failed miserably at this goal last year but this year I am more serious about it since if I pace myself and make time for reading instead of watching tv I can easily accomplish it.

From Why We Love the nature and chemistry of romantic love by Helen Fisher.

Page xii:

Romantic love, I believe, is one of the three primordial brain networks that evolved to direct mating and reproduction. Lust, the craving for sexual gratification, emerged to motivate our ancestors to seek sexual union with almost any partner. Romantic love, the elation and obsession of "being in love," enabled them to focus their courtship attentions on a single individual at a time, thereby conserving precious mating time and energy. And male-female attachment, the feeling of calm, peace, and security one often has for a long-term mate, evolved to motivate our ancestors to love this partner long enough to rear their young together.

Page 2:

Story of Qays, son of tribal chieftain in ancient Arabia. In love with Layla meaning "night" for her jet black hair. He became known as Majnun, or madman.

Page 8:

"But love... it's only an illusion. A story one makes up in one's mind about another person. And one knows all the time it isn't true. Of course one knows; why one's always taking care not to destroy the illusion." - Virginia Woolf

Page 9:

"With thee conversing, I forget all time." - Milton in Paradise Lost