Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Some kind of normalcy

August was a horrible month. Absolutely horrible. September didn't start off too well, the first week was rough. But yesterday was lovely, and today is going to be lovely too.

I knew that my relationship with Jesse would face turbulence and that there would be drama but neither of us thought things would play out the way they did last month. I freaked out a lot. I was right to be upset over how things went but even I felt like my reactions were just too much. But I had no control. I tried to hold it together but some days I just couldn't. I cried a lot. There were a lot of arguments. Sometimes it was hard for me to breathe or just get through my day doing the things I needed to do to take care of myself. But maybe I needed to go through it. I just needed to push through it and trust that I would stabilize at some point. And I feel like maybe now that that's exactly what's happening.

It was all just too much too soon. But she moved out. And all of my anxiety sort of fell out of me onto the floor and just sank and disappeared. I still don't feel good about the way things happened. But throughout this all I knew that if Jesse and I worked together that this would be something that we could not only get past but also something that could help us both grow.

I talked to my sister in sort of vague terms about what I was going through not wanting her to be privy to the details but still really needing someone to talk to. And she really helped. I forget that she's a therapist and then she really will break things down and tell me about myself. It was stuff that I don't like about myself but I needed to hear it. I see things through the lense of the experiences I've lived through. My parent's divorce affected my entire worldview and has irrevocably set the tone for how I approach my relationships.

I'll never be ok with lying. But I need to learn to be less aggressive and be more understanding and compassionate. If I want the truth I have to do all that I can to advertise to others that I can handle it and treat them kindly when they give me what I ask for. That can be challenging but the truth is all I want and nothing less so I must rise to the occasion. I can and will do this.

Jesse has helped me reach a level of happiness I didn't even think was possible. When I think about my future I automatically see him as an integral part of it. I don't need him. I don't. But I want him more than I've ever wanted anyone. I want to have him be there with me throughout life enjoying it with me and I want to be there for him too. I want to do things together with him always. As long as we both want to make this work there's no doubt in my mind that we can. We can do anything we set our minds to.

Relationships take work. The more you want a person to be a part of your life the more work you will have to do to make it so. Even with me knowing this I feel like it will always be something I will be actively learning about and will have to work on a certain level to apply to my life. It's a project that will never be finished. There will always be growth, and it will be beautiful.

Living alone is so important to me. Having my own space, basking in the silence, having control, knowing that I am completely alone, makes me feel so free. I love people, I love being around people, everything about being with people makes me happy. But I am kind of strange and sometimes I need the freedom of being alone to really express that. Like a workroom where I can tune myself up and make myself better so I can be truly ready to share myself with others and offer them the best version of myself.

I fantasize about living with Jesse. But right now, I live alone. And it's the best. I am thankful every moment of every day for this privilege.

I feel like myself again. I feel hyper and excited like I usually am again. I feel like I can accomplish tasks that used to just intimidate me before I even started them. I don't feel so scared. Because I know at any point I can go home and recharge. And that is so valuable. I have my sanctuary back and that means everything to me. Absolute freedom.

I reorganized the living room. I vacuumed. I moved things around. I labeled the switches for the lights. I play my own music. I talked to myself out loud. I also sat in the quiet. It rained yesterday because I wanted it to. The day before yesterday I said I wanted it to rain. The next day it did. I put in my contact lenses and went outside and stood in the rain. I felt it on my skin. There was a lot of lightning but I heard almost no thunder. It continued through the night. I sat in my living room and enjoyed the quiet knowing that no one would intrude on my peace. And that made it seem that much more serene.

I can breathe again. The amount of stress and sadness I had felt for almost a month was hurting me physically. I felt like I was reaching my breaking point. I just couldn't take much more. And now it's over. I am reaching a point in my life where I really understand how important it is to be alone sometimes. Even if you don't have a problem with a person that doesn't mean you can handle having them in your face all the time. Being away from people can help you appreciate and even like them more. I don't want anyone all the time except for myself. I'm the only person I want to be with all of the time 24/7.

Things can never be the way they were before this all happened. They can be better. We're through the woods. The only way to get past all the ugliness was to go through it. And I'm stronger and more wise for the experience. Hopefully he is too. I feel like he definitely is.

We love each other but more importantly, I love myself. I will always have me. And as long as he wants me and I want him, we can always have each other. It's up to us. And that feels good.

Today I did some driving for Lyft, now I'm in Starbucks just typing away, then I'm gonna hit the gym, then I'm gonna play with Angela's dog nugget, I may do some more Lyft later on, and I'm definitely going to make some art at home tonight. Everything is more than wonderful. I am giving off the right kind of energy right now and people are responding. I am comfortable talking to strangers again and am trying to make friends and really connect with people. I may not know what the future will bring but I'm back to my optimistic self and I trust myself to do my best to make it beautiful. It's all within me. I am truly happy.